I have been helping out with an online site of the Global Game Jam here in Colombia. I forgot how much I enjoyed being on streams, and entertaining people in general. It’s been so long since the last time I played a show, streamed or even got together with friends to just play and talk. I miss not having this feeling of doom upon myself.

I had a conversation with my direct manager in which he said that he saw narcissistic traits in me based on his own experience with narcissism. This left me doubting a lot of my own behaviors from the past couple of years. I was very afraid and ashamed to talk about this with my partner because I felt as if I have been an impostor on the good intentions I thought I had throughout these last months.

Luckily, I got the courage to talk to her about these thoughts and she gave me a lot of reassurance on how my manager’s evaluation was a very big assumption, as well as very bad act of character on his side. I was also able to talk to a very close friend of mine who also reassured me on how he has perceived me throughout our years knowing each other as someone caring who tries to consider the needs of the people who surround me just as much, if not more, as what I consider my own.

I felt very sad when I had this conversation with my manager because it completely changed the perception I had of myself. It changed it to the point of doubting my core values. It’s really weird how much someone can affect you when they very confidently make an assumption of you and you don’t have the confidence to see otherwise.

I still feel very sad and angry, but having the support of my loved ones has really helped me to not spiral and overthink it as much as I was doing before.

The world is a weird place, and I’m just tired.


howcomebl - For some reason my browser hadn’t updated to yesterday’s izzzzi’s entries, and I think that what you posted about the love of your parents was very beautiful. I really relate to it as I’ve had gone through a similar process of unraveling and understanding my relationship to them as I’ve gotten older.

alephtwo - I also like the cycle of communication in here, but I have been very distracted in turning my entries here that I sometimes fear I miss too much. I guess its part of the fear of missing out on stuff that I learnt from other more harmful social media sites.